My Personal Reflections: First dates and taking chances - Spring 23
Find out more about me and how my own marriage has shaped my career as a wedding celebrant.
I’ve never considered myself a dare-devil. I hate heights, don’t enjoy rollercoasters and generally I have steered my life choices in favour of reliability and stability. Sometimes though, you need to take chances. You have to jump into the unknown. Meeting my husband took a leap of faith. Now, I would be lost without him. Without his support, I would never have been able to pursue a career as a wedding celebrant and follow my dreams.
Let’s talk fear
I recently started reading Michelle O’bama’s latest book: The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times. As she states herself, it’s part self help (I am a sucker for a self help book) and part memoir (I devoured her first memoir Becoming, during lockdown) and I’m already hooked. Michelle offers words of wisdom and encouragement on the daily struggles we will all encounter at some point and quite frankly, I’m keen to become her BFF.
Early on in the book, Michelle talks candidly about how her own fear meant she wanted to say no when Barak asked if he could stand for president. The former first Lady writes:
‘There’s no getting around the fact that our nerves will ride shotgun with us pretty much any time we approach the unfamiliar, anytime we move into a new frontier and feel the stakes get bumped as a result…who doesn’t bring a spoonful of fear to the first day of a new job? … Or on a first date?’
She goes on to say: ‘These are moments of distinct discomfort…but they can be thrilling too.
Why? Because we don’t know what lies on the other side of that initial experience. The journey to get to it might just be transformative….How will you meet your soulmate if you don’t go on that date? ’
Personally, I think first dates are probably quite high up there on the ‘list of scary things we have to do as adults’ (driving tests and child birth a close second) especially if it’s a blind date (a necessary evil sometimes). Of course, It made me reflect on my first date, with my now husband.
Where it all began
Despite the fact that we have been married 11 years, I can recall my emotions on that first date with startling clarity. I think I was about 25 years old. My future husband and I had originally gone to the same sixth form but at the time hadn’t been friends (he was ‘arty’ with long hair and spent lots of time in the art studio. I was preoccupied with boys at the top table and scraping a pass in History). Then one evening, almost 10 years after finishing our A-levels and whilst working in the city centre, I decided to go for an impromptu drink at the Midnight Bell in Leeds. Amusingly, I can recall my then boss at a recruitment agency shouting that, ‘I might bag myself an architect if I hang out there.’ Well, I guess he wasn’t wrong. My husband and I locked eyes from opposite ends of the bar. We didn't talk and when I went back to the bar he had gone but thanks to the marvel of Facebook, we got in touch and locked in a date for a casual drink one Sunday evening, in October.
The date
That weekend of the date, I’d spent in Lincoln with my uni friends. It had been a boozy one (as it always was/is) which had spread over Friday night through to the early hours of Sunday morning. Walking towards the pub for the date on Sunday evening, I was still feeling horribly hungover. Not an ideal start.
Up until this point, I had been single for a number of years. Kept busy with my job and living in an apartment in Leeds city centre, the years had passed me by very quickly. I had loved my life but after a series of bad first dates and empty weekends watching more of my friends settle down, I'd begun to feel a little lonely.
As I neared the pub my heart began pounding. It was Autumn with a very cold blustery wind. I’d hoped the wind would somehow blow away my persistent hangover. Instincts at the time had told me this bloke would be different to the others. I knew I would really, really like him and felt increasingly nervous.
In my head I would sweep into the bar with just the right mix of confidence and arrogance. Of course, I had done anything but. Did I tell you I was hungover?! Going from the cold wind into the warm bar with it’s roaring open fire was a bad mix. I began to sweat profusely (which isn’t an ailment I have ever been troubled with before) so instead I stumbled in a hot, sweaty, jittery mess. Kindly, (and with a little look of alarm) my future husband suggested we sit outside. I ordered vodka and orange (a drink I've never had before?!) and acted really awkward. We sat shivering in the dark. The date hadn’t got off to the best start.
Annoyingly I can’t recall exactly what I said, but at some point I cracked some sort of joke about the situation which broke the ice. It was a welcome relief to us both and we began to laugh.
Things settled and I felt calmer (I also stopped sweating) so we naturally became more at ease. We didn’t notice that it was cold anymore and a ‘quick drink’ turned into a ‘long drink.’ Then a meal. He drove me home and we sat in his car for over an hour, neither of us wanting to get out. Talking.
After that, we never looked back.
A happy marriage
I know first hand the importance of a happy marriage. I also appreciate the magic of those first dates. Its why I always start with the first date stories in my couple questionnaires and include them in the wedding scripts. Its the nervous anticipation we can all relate to. The friendly fear.
Over the years, my husband and I have supported each other through the unexpected loss of family, friends and pets, new businesses, a miscarriage, the constant strain of raising three young children, house renovations and so much more.
It was my husband that gave me the nudge I needed to train as a wedding celebrant. He is the one I read all my wedding scripts to for it is his approval that gives me the assurance to go and do what I do.
I’m so glad I could put the nerves behind me all those years ago. That first date led to a wonderfully blissful marriage and a feeling of contentment and gratitude for all that we have accomplished and everything that still awaits us.
Michelle Obama was right, it was scary but oh so worth it for all that we now have, a very happy marriage and the journey to get to it has indeed, been quite transformative.
